The Captain Chronicles
by Armonia Justina Beyondormason
Summary: A drabble-ish thing for each captain of the 13 court guard squads. Warning: high epic irony content. Please R&R!
1. Old Man Yamamoto: The Will

**Welcome to the Captain Chronicles!! If you have any suggestions or ideas, please feel free to respond.  
_Seires Degdirba eht Otutran hctaw!  
_Obligatory Yu-Gi-Oh Abridged reference!! XD**

**We do not own Bleach (thank you Captain Obvious)_ Enjoy the epic irony!!  
_First on the docket:**

Shigekuni Yamamotogenrusai (Old Man Yamamoto)

Choujirou, his heart heavy with sorrow, cleared his throat to begin the reading.  
"We are gathered here today to read the last will and testament of Old Man Yamamoto."

"To Soifon, captain of Squad 2, I leave... well I just can't think of anything at the moment. Sorry."

"To Gin Ichimaru, captain of Squad 3, I bequeath my pet mouse Squeakers. I hope you will care for and love him as much as I did in life." Once everyone stopped staring, Gin couldn't help but lick his lips at the thought of a live mouse in his care...

"To Retzu Unohana, I leave my pipe and all my unused tobacco." Choujirou sighed and shook his head, "Poor guy, it's what did him in in the end."

"To Sousuke Aizen, our most beloved backstabing &#!&(, I leave nothing of material value, only... a boot to the head."  
"What? _sound of boot hitting head _Oww!" Aizen cried as a boot randomly fell from the sky and hit him square in the head. This caused his glasses to fall off. Somewhere, a fangirl squealed.

"To Byakuya Kuchiki, I leave my prized 'Get-Out-Of-Jail-Free' card. I'm sure you will find use for it one day."

"To Sajin Komamura, I leave my medieval knight's helmet. The pointed face plate will fit you just fine."

"To Syuhsui Kyoroku, I leave ownership of the Saraite's wine cellar. Don't drink it all in one sitting."

"To Kaname Tousen, I leave my vast library and collection of silent movies. Enjoy"

"To Toshiro Hitsugaya, I leave my jar of cookies. It's on the top shelf."

"To Kenpachi Zaraki, I give you a compass with which to find your sense of direction. The 'N' stands for North."

"To Mayuri Kurotsuchi, I leave my collection of assorted bath salts(1) to be used however you want."

"Jushiro Ukitake inherits my collection of King Edward VI memorabilia(2). You two have a lot in common."

"And finally to Choujirou, my lieutenant, I leave the rabid pygmy hollow I kept caged in the backyard to be placed in his pants."

Truth be told, everyone in attendance was quite speechless. Except for Aizen, who's head still hurt, and Choujirou, who was screaming bloody murder."

TBC

**_1 - In episode 61, Mayuri takes a bath. lol.  
_2 - King Edward VI died of tuberculosis.**

**Yes! The first chapter is done! I just love all the Last Will and Temperament references XD  
_Please review! Until next time! I HEART Renji!! :)_**


	2. Toshiro vs The Jar

**Thanks to everyone who reviewed, you know who you are!  
_Me likey cookie jar XD The next few (but maybe not all) chapters will be the Captains using their inheritances.  
_Some parts might be OOC for the sake of ironic comedy. Eg. forgetting you can jump 10 ft. in the air. BTW, no lieutenants (except for Choujirou) were at the reading of the will. Enjoy X)**

**Next on the docket:**

Hitsugaya Toshiro (Little Shiro):

One cookie jar. One high shelf. One very pissed off Toshiro.

His inheritence from Old Man Yamamoto was still out of reach. Not _just_ out of reach, but _really _out of reach. How tall did the Old Man think he was anyway?  
Momentarily forgetting his mature composure, Toshiro assumed the "greedy-little-kid-wanting-cookie" stance, standing on his toes and reaching as high as he could. This, unfortunatly, didn't work.

_...IDEA!!_The greatest invention in the history of (he mentally slapped himself for thinking this) short people. The Stool. He quickly raced from the room to retrieve said stool.  
At this moment, Rangiku happened to be passing by the kitchen. Squad 10 had been assigned to clear out the Old Man's living quarters and distribute the inheritances. She didn't understand why the Captain had insisted on cleaning out the kitchen on his own. Her eyes lit up, noticing the jar of cookies. She claimed her prize, grinning like a child. Hearing footsteps, she replaced the jar and made a tactical retreat.

Now armed with the stool, Toshiro was prepared! He placed it directly beneath the jar and reached again. It just happened that the stool was too short. His fingers were just shy of brushing the edge of the jar. Not one to give up, Toshiro ran out to get a higher stool.

When Rangiku had entered the main area eating a cookie, the others had insisted on her retrieving some for them. Thus she snuk back into the kitchen and nabbed all but one of the remaining cookies from the almost full jar. Toshiro, now returned with the tallest stool he could find, began to lift himself up. At last, SUCCESS! The height of the stool brought him to eye level with his prize. He smirked at the jar in his hands, congratulating himself.

"Did you want a cookie too Captain?" Toshiro looked down (FINALLY!) at Rangiku, surprised by the question. _Too? Why would she ask that? Unless..._It was then that Toshiro noticed the crumbs all over her shirt. He looked down at the lone cookie. He looked back at Rangiku. He looked down at the cookie. Which was gone. He looked at Rengiku. Who was also gone.

_"RANGIKU!!"_

**_We actually love Toshiro, but this opportunity was to good to pass up!  
_Please R&R! ;)**


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